Olympics? Schmolympics - August in Australia

We can't all be geniuses.

The Olympics: the pinnacle of sporting events, the ultra in ultimate utmosts and other stuff beginning with u, the glory all athletes dream of, a quadrennial masterpiece celebrating the capabilities of nature's finest machine: man.

Does anyone really believe all that?

London 2012 is supposed to be a remarkable achievement for the UK, the first city in the world to host the Games three times, when we welcome the world to come and have a look around, perhaps say 'not bad not bad, we like what you've done with place'.

But in reality, the Games looks set to be a bit of a calamity; it cost £9 billion instead of £2.4 billion, London is about to be brought to a standstill as everyone asks everyone else which 'toob goes to Ly-chester Square?' and if you've actually managed to find a buyer for your kidney to buy a ticket you risk getting thrown out of the stadium if you dare ask for anything that isn't provided by sponsors.

With all that going on, why would anyone want to be in the UK, let alone London next week?

Australia on the other hand will be able to sit back in a nice cool room with a nice cool beer and watch some Olympians’ dreams crash and burn.

Where to watch the Olympics

Aussies are big sports fans so the atmosphere and spirit of the Games will be Down Under for all to enjoy without any of the bad sides, let's have a look at where you can indulge in a bit of Olympics hooliganism in Australia:

Sydney - Customs House

Every day from 6am 6pm throughout the Games, live screenings of most events and even some live sports in case the sports on the telly get boring (rifle shooting anyone?).

Melbourne - World Restaurant and Bar

Giant projectors splashing the action across the bar and plenty of food and drink to keep you quiet while you cheer British athletes past Australian ones (right?). 

Brisbane - Base Backpackers

Brisbane Base Backpackers Central's Down Under bar in the basement regularly fills to the brim with likely lads and lovely ladies drinking the night away during a regular backpacking stay but during the Olympics all the events will be on nine massive screens throughout the two weeks, what more could you ask for?

I'll tell you what more you could ask for, how's about a free night's stay at Base Backpackers for every Visa Bureau client? Just book yourself in for four nights and get the fifth one free!

That'll do.

The Olympics isn't the only thing going on in August though, here are some of the best things going on this month Down Under.

Simple Sophistication - Speech and sounds

How much can one man know
about one squirrel?

If you fancy yourself as a bit of an aficionado, of anything, then you might like to enjoy some of the finer things in life, perhaps a dip into the cultural pool of enlightenment every now and then by reading something a little more challenging than Nuts.

If that sounds like you this August and you happen to be in Brisbane, get your sophisticated suave on down at the Brisbane Powerhouse for Ten Hands on the 2nd and 3rd, a quintet of talented musicians who get their groove on a single piano.

Alternatively, if you can't get there on those dates or 5 people having a royal thumb war on one piano isn't quite experimental enough for you, the Brisbane Gypsy Jazz Festival is on at the same venue on the 15th and 16th.

For those on the Sydney-side this month, you could be in with an opportunity of a lifetime. Sir David Attenborough is holding a series of public events - for the first time ever in Australia - in which he discusses his career as a broadcaster. Given that man is like the granddad nobody had, expect this to be popular, expensive too, but worth it.

Drunken Debauchery - Gagging for gigs

Now you've had that little taste of the finer life and want to take a plummet back to down to good old hooliganism, read on.

If you are in Sydney on the 4th, get boozed up and stagger down to One22 for Brawther to see a host of DJs get.it.on.

And don't think that being in Melbourne, Australia's premier party city, you'll be missing out. American innovator Z-Trip will be tearing it up at The Prince Bandroom on the 9th.

Deranged Depravity - They do WHAT with WHAT?

This guy's mum is good at makeup.
At least she loves him.

Zombies are all the rage these days, whether it's in films, videogames, music videos or deranged people chewing off faces, what's not to like?

What has lots of people walking slowly and groaning, lots of blood and lots of scenes of horror? No it's not bingo night on the geriatric ward, it's Zombie Week down at Sydney's The Vanguard.

From the 1st to the 5th, there'll be horror film screenings, live performances and just generally a lot of hot zombie action.

If you want to really weird things out though, get yourselves over to WA for the strangest show of a lifetime: Puppetry of the Penis

As much as you might wish this wasn't exactly as it sounds, it is. A couple of dudes who clearly never got told it would fall off it they didn't stop playing with it when they were kids get up on stage and manage to turn their tackle to all types of tricks.

They've got the stick, the baseball bat, the upside down tree, the fencepost and anything else you can think of that happens to be similarly shaped.

No seriously though, the show features plenty of jokes too and some remarkably shocking 'genital origami' stunts that are likely to have you gasping and make any 'don't try this at home' notice quite redundant.

Don't say you weren't warned.

- Dominic Ladden-Powell is the Online Editor with the Australian Visa Bureau, an independent migration consultancy specialising in helping people lodge applications for a Working Holiday Visa to Australia.